HOODY HOO! [Thursday December 1st, 2005. 1:52pm.] Ok, So me and my mom were talking about dickhead, the 19 year old one, And I think we traced it back to when he started acting like a dick head. Back in like January He walked up to my moms work to introduce his friends to her. I guess it stood out to my mom because I knew none of these people, yet they know about me. He was like "this is CYNTHIAS mom" and I guess he put emphasis on CYNTHIA lol. And they were talking for awhile and she was like "You know cyndi has a cellphone" and he was like "really? can i have the number?" So she gave it to him. Well, The next night or so I got a call from edmond, and my stupid fuckin provider said it was roaming. Which it wasnt becaause edmond is like 20milse away. so UScellular SHUT MYP HONE OFF. Sooo maybe he thought I was like snubbing him. Too bad. THat little fucker start playin hella games after that. But before all that people that I DIDNT know would walk up to me and be like "Hey your the girl dating **** right?" and i wasnt so i was like wtf no. Well about a week after he stopped showing up, (he used to come over and wed sit on my porch till like night time chillin) I walked down to the corner were every one chills in this apartment and asked if they had seen him. and this one guy was like "yeah he was here yesterday" and i was like oh..ok.. and then hes like "WHY DO YOU MISS HIM POUNDING YOU" ok i was like WTF. So, He was telling people we were together. My mom thinks i "broke his little heart" or whatever. She thinks he wanted me way back then because when hed come to the house and my mom would answer hed say "is your beautiful daughter cyndi there?" and my mom like loved him. Everytime she saw him she like fed him. Like once she got back from little ceasars and gave him 2 pieces of pizza... and once were comin back from mcdonalds and a bunch of his friends and him were on the side of the raoad and she stopped and gave him MY FRIES. lol and donuts..and..yeah all kinds of shit. She loves him. He looks like steve-o. And once we were sitting by the pool and this girl walked in and she was in a bikini and hes like "damn shes fine" and i like laughed and he looked at me and he was like "well...shes kind of cute..well..uh she isnt at all" like he tried to save his ass or some shit. And lets see..He always noticed if i was wearing new make up, had new earing, new hair dye, or a diff hair style. Or any new jewelry. So..maybe he did back then and i just didnt notice it. I dont know why im going over all of this, i know he did. anyways i r out leave some love bitches! Comment.

long time no post [Monday November 7th, 2005. 5:19am.] so i ended up only getting ONE tattoo and ONE piercing...they bother hurt so fucking bad i was like fuck it....   Ok, So that motherfucker HURT. If you cant tell, im sure you cant, its between my shoulder blades on my fucking SPINE. The first line was like not even as bad as the tat on my chest (that was basically painless) but after that i was like omfg holy shit do you hate me? My mom stood right infront of me, so i burried my face in here stomache, and i was like pullin on her fuckin shirt and CRYING. i cried to bad, then ofcoarse i cried more because i was crying getting a tattoo lol. By the time it was over here shirt was like soaked from my tears & me sweating & so was the pillow i had to my chest. I couldnt stop shaking either, but as you can see it was well worth it. Thats not how I was going to end it. I was going to fuckin stop after the outline but  arlene was like "just let me do one line of color so you can see" bitch knew im obsessive compulsive, she new one line and id be like ddddddaaaaaaaamnnnnnnniiiiiittttttttt finish it. and i was lol. There was supposed to be water under it like it landed in a pond and say "Peace through pain" over it. but after the flower was done i was like fuck that shit ANOTHER TIME. I also got my tongue REpierced. that shit was crazy. I look like shit right now (i r sick) or id post a pic of it too. anyway, she went to stick the needle in and like a big bubble of blood came up (it went thru scar tissue) so she was like wtf n stopped, and when i felt the needle STOP i opened my eyes and i was like WTF. so then she shoved that baby thru. this time, it hurt. the first time i got it pierced it was nothing but oh damn this shit hurt. then when she had me wash my mouth out w/ listerene afterwards it was fuckin bloody. freaked me the fuck out. and its still not healed. untill fuckin yesterday i wasnt able to eat solid food (this was all done sunday). last time i waas able to eat the night i got it done. but i guess thats what happens w/ scar tissue huh. If i lose this mother fucker i am NOT getting it repierced. So, my new plans (with in the next 6months) are 2nd ring in tongue pierced nipples (heh) labret (maybe) the smiley (DEFINATELY ITS SO CUTE) tragus (i r so skeered) and...3 more tats plus the shit added on to my lotus flower.   CANT WAIT. gonna be some painful fuckin shit..   later on ill get some on here of the *4* new tats my mom got done (she got some work on her sleeve done. how cool is that? my moms getting sleeves. haha) Anyways.... Other than that...Im finally getting back into school. Things are going great. Met an AWESOME guy...its awesome.. Umm.........................I havent been taking my pills so im over emotional. But that shit makes me feel fake. But...i havent really given it a real chance so I dont know...annddd......gah. I dont know lol. I still have nooooo job!!! Comment.

Boorrreeeddd.. [Friday August 19th, 2005. 6:31pm.] [ mood | confused ] Ok so I'm hella excited. Tomorrow or with in the next week im getting 3 new tattoos and 6 new piercings Piercings = Tongue (redone) Labret (redone) Smiley (fkn awesome) Tragus (owie) Buttons (owie) Tattoos = -Sublime sun w/ waves n ribbon above it that says "All the love that I found" On lower back -Verse on foot that says "Every step I take Every move I make, Every single day since you went away I'll be missing you" (papa) Maybe, either that or a flower or something girly like that. -Snake on side under the base of my boob. The snake is like on a log, and im going to make it look like the log is in like the shore of a loake or something with a really pretty flower on the side. I'll probably post some pictures cuz I'm a pimp like that. Anyways. Agh i feel so nuts. Im dearly missing some one I shouldnt even be thinking twice about... Thats what every one is saying to me any way. I was so pissed I really didnt realize How much I'd fuckin miss him. What to do,What to do? Im sure hes long gone tho. Besides im not that great, hes probably better of w/ out me. *heart breaks* Damn. -sigh- Well I'm out. lataz. Comment.

BLAH [Monday July 18th, 2005. 7:52am.] [ mood | confused ] I just woke up not too long ago..I hate my fucking bed. It's like laying on a fuckin brick. I wake up every morning with pains in muscles I wasn't aware that I had. Right now its my hips, side of my thighs, ribs, and between my shoulder blades. wtf. GR. But..within the next week or 2 I'm getting a new bed. Well, everyone in this house is. My dad is getting his *settlement* soon..and we will be in the money!! OH YAH. I get a nice lil chunk out of it so that rocks. Im going to buy a shit load of drawing stuff and canvases and markers and pastels and paint and colored pencils and CHARCOAL PENCILS, AND EBONY PENCILS, AND SKETCH BOOKS AND AND AND AND *orgasms*.......................................Anyways..I doubt I'll buy that much...afterall I am a fucking priss so I'm probably goingto be compelled to buy make up and facial shit....I make myself sick. *vomits* So yeah I GOT A TATTOO GUN FRIDAY. FUCK YES. My mom and friend eva have been letting my practice on them (with out ink) So thats awesome. I have alloootttt to learn. Its going to be a loonngg time before I start giving people tats w/ ink. But thats just because im a sweet lil' angel that doesnt wanna fuck up peoples bodies n get sued! See....what else is new...hmmm....Oh saturday me and eva went and saw Charlie and the Choclate Factory. They say it follows along the book...either way it fucked the original. The ending is COMPLETELY fuckin different. AND OMFG THE OOMPA LOOMPAS. Theyre all one arab dude..AND THEY ARENT MIDGETS. I WANTED TO SEE MIDGETS DAMNIT. And rather than the original oompa loompa song...it was like..showtunes. wtf. So yeah...And then this past weekend we got to see a bunch of guys acting like total fucking jackasses. Me and eva were sittin out on my porch and at one time there were like 12 guys there. it was like wtf. They kept shooting fireworks and each other n shit. fuck that shit. And yeah a friend of mine and evas acted like a complete dick. Everytime he saw us hed act like he saw fuckin air. And me and eva both used to be kewl as fuck with him (especialls me hah) And he walked up once to borrow a lighter and hes like "you look familiar, have I ever met you?" I was like "Nah, can't say that I have." He talked to eva...but he was completely ignoring me. Not the first time. Fuckin men, WTF DID I DO. Oh well, Its not like I really give a fuck. If he'd like to play stupid little games he can play them with himself and dumb bitches that think that shit is "cute." No gain to loss, right? Yeah and my window over looks the pool..and he kept fuckin sprayin it with the waterhose in the pool. PISSED ME OFF. Then we had the window open getting some fresh air n shit..AND THEY FUCKIN THREW A WATERBALL IN THE WINDOW. The motherfuckin ball HIT ME IN THE FUCKING HEAD.and it was full of water so when it hit water went alllll the fuck over me. So i closed the fuckin window and took a knife to that fuckin ball. Not really...I threw it back out n shut the window. Friday night we sat out there with all those dudes chillin till like 1-2 am. It was....entertaining. Then..we had a waterfight with my brother and cousin...we so won. We hid behind a corner n when they walked past it..I threw water on them and then eva threw FLOUR on them. ahahahahahahhahahahahaha. it was funneh! And..saturday I drank some 80proof jack daniels..that was kewl. OMG OMG OMG My rat had babies yesterday!!!!!!!! She had THIRTEEN but one died. THEY LOOK LIKE LITTLE BEANS! 3 of them fit in the palm of my hand. :D:D:D their so fuckin cute. How can people think that they are disgusting. tsk tsk tsk... Other than all that shit..I've been depressed as usual. But..every one knows why lol. CANT LET GO AND MOVE ON! It sucks..dont know what to do. Something isnt letting me give up tho so...Hopefully that stands for SOMETHING? Its driving me fucking nuts tho. It kills me tho..lol..I wont ever mean shit to him. "It's more of a compliment to be trusted than it is to be loved." I dunno.. Im not sure I'm even that anymore. Time will tell....we shall see. Till then I'll just keep suffocating and burning and crying. sad, huh? Of all the people in this fucking state...why the most fucking distant person from me(emotionally) I dont know...I really dont know anymore. Maybe for now I should just concentrate on being friends with him..because..he has alot of shit going on in his life right now and hes pretty busy..so who am I to bother him when he does have freetime. THATS HOW MUCH I CARE. I care so fucking much that im willing to put up with this crying and suffocating and burning and all that other shit..just so hes comfortable. Anyone else..I'd just be like..fuck u bye. why oh why oh why. But...I can't let stupid fucking feelings get in the way of probably the truest fucking friend I've ever had..so..yeah. So..fuck i dont know. I cant let go. Who knows..maybe this is all a part of the master plan. Cuz...a little emotional distance had been known to snap 2 people back together like a rubberband...but I dont know. And im too much of a fucknig pussy to talk to him about it. But...im just going to try and stay calm and steady and not get my hopes up. Even tho my heart is already set on shit. Why? Everyone is like FUCK THAT ASSHOLE...and im like FUCK YOU STAY OUT OF MY SHIT. Obviously everyone else doesnt fucking "get" what this shit means to me..So...im just gonna be straight up and say "if you cant leave me the fuck alone and let me deal with this shit myself and make my OWN FUCKING choices, then fuck you dont fucking talk to me because I dont need the extra fucking stress." Maybe thatll get the damn point across. Who knows. Im completely confused on this shit. Everyone was telling me that..you know..date some one else and move on..well I did date some one..and...IT DIDNT DO SHIT BUT MAKE IT WORSE. cuz then all of a sudden i felt guilty and like shit. lol..he probably doesnt really give a fuck about me tho. like "cyn-who?" Why have I held on this long? and Why cant I let go? This has all got me so fucked up that my mood ring cant even land on one color!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sljdfhg lkhg iuhtey ookxhvb mjhotirkfkvhfiuohgeiuhgkjf hglsgdh lksdgh ldkghlshgkdshg 40ot h thfgk jnhbfdmn <thats how i feel. Im frustrated, down, confused, rytk jkjdh just ewhat the fuck ever. I gotta go cuz i can already feel the stupid fucking tears starting so my final fucking word is that im going to go with the fucking feeling because theres gotta be somefucking reason this shit is like this. im just afraid that ill hear something i dont want to like "ur a sister to me" or "i cant think of you that way now" or "all that is past its expiration date".... it would destroy me. but you know what..everything happens for a reason so..thtas that wtf ever im going to do something to get my mind off of this shit. Comment.

Muahha [Thursday June 23rd, 2005. 3:10am.] [ mood | awake ] Ok, This is the first time I've ever used thing so yah. Today has been a pretty chill day. I didnt do shit but sit around and watch my friend gropeher boyfriend at a pool hall. So wow, that was fuckin rockin. Sense the sarcasm? No? Well, That most defintaley was sarcasm. blah cyn Comment.

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